Let’s Talk about it: Scintillating and juicy topics and tit-bits from Olapeju Agunbiade’s world.

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Double dealing: A recipe for trouble.

Can one woman love two men at the same time??Whether married or still single.

(This note is long.You are warned,but worth reading)Happy sunday to everyone.

Vanita had fallen head over heels in love with a participant from her course. She was married [against her parents’ wishes] to a hard-working, middle-class boy from her medical college. Actually, she wanted to study literature, but ended up becoming a doctor to fulfill her parent’s wishes.

After marriage, she had settled down to keep house for her husband and had two children. At the time it provided a refreshing change from the stress of fulfilling her parents’ ambitions. Slowly, her husband got busy as his medical practice flourished. Vanita claimed that he didn’t even have time for romance.

She complained that in the little time that he did spend with her, he discussed medical cases or future plans for the family. He was a gentle man, but she did not feel cherished in the relationship. She met us saying, ‘I love two men, and I don’t want to choose. I am in a moral dilemma. My husband has been a gentle, caring person who works hard for the family. I value that and respect him immensely, but my lover makes me feel cherished as a woman. My body burns with passion for him.’

What went wrong?

Marriage is a package deal, and one needs to accept what comes in it. No partner can be ‘perfect’ and many marriages fall prey to the ‘utopia syndrome’ of unrealistic expectations of a ‘fairy-tale’ life. Reading too many romantic novels could make one lose touch with reality. And many marriages have suffered because of such unrealistic expectations based on fiction. Not being able to appreciate what you have in reality is the fallout of comparisons with ‘perfect’ fairy tales.

Your partner is a gift from God, and you need to appreciate and accept this gift just like you would accept and appreciate God’s gift in nature. When you see a spectacular sunset, you don’t say, ‘a little more orange around the sun please, and a little pink on the clouds. How about a little deep purple on the waves?’ You enjoy the sunset just the way it is. People are just as much gifts of nature as sunsets. So why can’t they be enjoyed as they are?

Another case in point

Raised in an orthodox family, Surabhi was not allowed the freedom every teenager craves. So, she escaped the parental prison by marrying her best friend’s brother. After marriage, she was given every freedom and she revelled in it. Her husband went to great lengths to keep her happy.

The rebel child in her found instant gratification in the husband who was like a pampering parent. Now, she sought a more ‘adult’ relationship, which she found with one of her husband’s friends. This man was always upfront and assertive with her and did not give in to each of her whims and fancies. She was immensely attracted by this quality, and found herself at a crossroads when he proposed marriage. On one hand, she felt grateful to her husband to let her experience life in all its colours and loved her lifestyle with him. On the other hand, she felt like a ‘woman’ with her boyfriend and respected him for not indulging her whims.

Once again, there is a woman who ‘loved’ two men for different reasons. But is it really love?

What is love really?

Love has various levels, from merely seeking satisfaction for oneself to meeting the needs of others. Human love moves along a continuum, from the pole of self-centredness to the pole of other-centredness. There are many words for love in the Greek language: storge refers to love between a parent and child, eros refers to passionate and sexual love, philia refers to real affection between close friends, and agape refers to unconquerable benevolence and invincible goodwill—the highest and purest form of love.

Often a woman who finds herself drawn to two men, is one whose certain desires are being satisfied by one man and certain others by another.

She wants both of them for what they bring to her life. For her, giving up one man means giving up some of those desires, which she is not prepared to do. More often than not, this problem arises when we look at a relationship, based purely on our own gratification [I-centric], and not as a mutually shared partnership [we-centric], where the relationship, the ‘we’, the ‘us’ is valued and where healthy negotiations take place.

A we-centric person takes the effort to communicate to the partner that certain basic valid relationship needs are not being fulfilled. Through such healthy and open communication, mutual understanding and negotiations take place. The we-centric person also knows the delicate art of when and what to negotiate and when and what to simply let go and ignore.

In giving we receive

A meaningful life can result only from the experience of love in our life, and this implies a commitment and dedication to another. Love does not ask the question, “What am I getting out of this?” as the criterion of fulfilment. Love takes time, demands a history of giving and receiving, laughing and crying, living and dying; it never promises instant gratification, only ultimate fulfilment. Love means believing in someone, in something, it supposes a willingness to struggle, to work, to suffer and to join in the rejoicing. There has not been even one recorded case of deep and lasting fulfilment by a person whose basic mind-set and only question was, “what am I getting out of this?” Satisfaction and fulfilment are the by-products of committed and dedicated love. They belong only to those who can reach beyond themselves, and to whom ‘giving’ is more important than ‘receiving’. Sometimes we are tempted to confuse ‘good times’ with a ‘good life’. A successful pursuit of endless good times is something that can never really exist, and can only result in the inevitable sadness and disappointment of unfulfilled expectations.

You obviously don’t want love, if you don’t want to:

  • Break the fixation with self and give up your self-centeredness
  • Learn how to care about and be sincerely dedicated to the satisfaction of another
  • Become a sensitive listener, who hears what is said and also what is isn’t
  • Postpone personal gratification to meet the needs of another
  • Get in touch with your deepest feelings and most hidden thoughts
  • Share your most vulnerable self as an act of love
  • Get honest feedback from someone who really knows you through your own self-disclosure
  • Work at the delicate art of communication and shared decision-making.

Man goes through life, selfishly blind to anything and anyone other than himself. ‘Poor me’, ‘I want’, ‘I need’, ‘I feel’, ‘my life’ form the sub-stratum of his life.

If we step out of our self-consumed world, we can understand for the first time, the true meaning of love. In the words of St Francis of Assisi, “It is in giving that we receive”.

We are transformed by love. What we receive in giving is so much more than we can ever give. It leaves us feeling grateful to those who allow us to love them, eternally grateful for the opportunity to experience the gift of love. Ask yourself, “Have you ever lived for someone more than you live for yourself?” If not, today is your chance.

(c)/completewellbeing.com

More scintillating topics for your digestion!

The basics of maintaining a healthy Vagina.

Enough excuses from men? Downtown here they come!

  • Do not douche.

Douching is really bad for the vagina. It kills off the lactobacilli leaving your vagina open to attack from the bad guys. ?

A healthy vagina is a self regulating system and is cleaner than our mouths and much much cleaner than our rectums. The vaginal ecosystem is a mutually advantageous relationship between the vagina itself and the micro-organisms that inhabit it.

Your vagina is full of life in the form of bacteria but these are good bacteria fighting the good battle to keep bad bacteria out of your reproductive system. These good bacteria are called lactobacilli which are the same organisms found in yoghurt. In a healthy vagina these lactobacilli maintain a acidic environment – around 3.8 – 4.5 pH ( a little bit more acidic than black coffee which has a pH of 5).

  • Use condoms if you have multiple partners – which you should be using anyway to avoid STD’s.
  • Eat a good healthy diet, minimising sugar intake (sugar helps the bad guys grow). Include good yoghurt or acidophilus every day.
  • Wear cotton underwear – this stops things getting too steamy down there, allowing good air flow.
  • Do not use perfumes/spray on the genital area.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barriers to Good Sexual Communication ?

Everyone has a hard time talking about sex at one time or another. Whether it’s answering a question about sex from your children, talking with your partner about a sexual issue, or asking your doctor a medical sex question, sex talk can feel anywhere from awkward to impossible.

But keeping silent about sex keeps us ignorant and potentially leads to negative sexual health outcomes (which could be anything from just having bad sex to acquiring sexually transmitted infections).

Keeping silent about sex also allows all of us to perpetuate sex myths that are rarely true but sound accurate in the absence of honest and open sexual communication.

If you’re looking to improve your sexual communication skills, consider these common obstacles to good sexual communication:

Sex Myths

The lies we’re told about sex present a huge barrier to good sexual communication. Many sex myths encourage us to believe that to be great lovers we need to be mind readers, not communicators. Communication isn’t always about talking, but I can promise you that one of the keys to great sex is an ability to talk about it. I can also promise that it’s easier to learn to talk about sex than it is to learn to read minds.

Sexual Fear

Our various fears about sex — fears of sexual rejection, making a fool of oneself, disclosing politically or socially “inappropriate” sexual desires — present significant obstacles to good sexual communication. While these fears are often justified, since we also live in a culture of fast and harsh judgment of those who don’t maintain the status quo, they make it very difficult for us to talk about sex honestly with the people around us.

Negative Beliefs about Sex

With very few exceptions, we are all raised with some negative sex beliefs. These can be very personal (being told your body is ugly, dirty, or should only be used for procreation) or more universal (sex is bad, it leads to immorality, people who have sex end up single, depressed, etc.) These beliefs act as a strong deterrent to talking about sex. When you get two people who each have their own negative sex beliefs, the potential for miscommunication multiplies.

Lack of Sex Information

To talk about sex, it helps to have some basic sex information.

Unfortunately a lack of comprehensive sex education means most of us don’t even have accurate basic information, and this presents another barrier to good sexual communication.

It’s hard to know where to start a conversation about sex when you have no context within which to begin. Lacking basic sex information also makes talking about sex all the more scary, which ties into the fear, myths, and negative beliefs about sex mentioned above.

Sexual Vocabulary

So many of us grow up without accurate sexual vocabulary. Children are rarely taught the correct names for genitalia, and this extends to sexual behaviors, orientations, and identities as they get older.

This is changing with the amount of sexual content online and in mainstream media, but there are still people who find it hard to talk about sex because they don’t know the words to express what they want to say.

Having a basic sexual vocabulary can make it easier to talk about sex. It can also be reassuring to discover that there are words for how we feel, and that others share these feelings and experiences.

Privacy

We’re told that sex is private, and it follows that you need privacy to talk about sex. But many of us lack privacy, and our sexual communication suffers for it.

Whether you live in a group home and can’t lock your door, or you have kids, thin walls, and not enough money for babysitting, worrying about outsiders overhearing your conversation makes talking about sex that much harder. In reality, most people just adapt and learn to make the best of the privacy they can find. But if you can carve out privacy both in terms of space and time, it will make your sexual communication go a little bit smoother.

Boundaries

One of the reasons talking about sex can feel threatening is that you’re putting yourself “out there” in some way. For this reason, good sexual communication usually means having a clear sense of personal boundaries.

Without them, you may disclose more than you’re comfortable with or even take more responsibility for the person you’re talking to than you really should.

Developing boundaries isn’t something that happens over night, and it often is a process of pushing the boundaries to get a sense of what you are and aren’t comfortable with. But good sexual communication should never feel like it goes too far over the line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sex Before Marriage.?

This topic is currently on the Lets Talk About It fan page. Very interesting thread and i thank all that were part of it.Pls pop in and share your views there.

In the Western society with a sex-saturated culture, sex is the subject of many movies and primetime shows, even magazine ads.

There is a clear shift for sex from the purpose of re-creation to that of recreation. Pleasure is the name of the game and waiting till marriage seems outdated and prudish. Most people are no longer virgins by the time they get married. Marriage actually means nothing but a piece of paper that governments require people to have to show they are together.

A white wedding dress is for a virgin.Right?Purity!Every time I go to  weddings andu see the bride wearing a white dress it makes me  laugh. What a false advertising!(am not saying they are all non-virgins though!) The white dress symbolizes as pure or virgin, but the bride is not virgin – she may have banged  so many guys she cannot even remember them.

Along with all other kinds of sexual immorality, sex before marriage (premarital sex) is repeatedly condemned in the classics like the Bible, which promotes abstinence before marriage.

According to the Bible, sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with someone you are not married to.

Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations that God approves of.(I am sure it is the same in the Islamic holy book-The Quaran)

We were brainwashed,sorry!We were told by our parents,(although it worked!)that sex before marriage is not appropriate, that sex is like a beautiful gift.

True! It is only one special gift that should not be wasted on just a love fling. Sex should be preserved for marriage as it gives marriage its true meaning – it is a bond that should unite two people who love each other not only physically but also spiritually. Having sex before marriage is taking a bite out of the apple before committing to it (buying it). Often it means leaving it for the next person.

When you have sex with someone before marriage, it is quite likely you are having sex with someone else’s future wife.?

But now, this is the 21st century.

People’s perspective has changed. To more and more people, sex is like drinking water.(How bad?) You can see a growing number of people having one-night stands and there are a lot of young mothers.

Even some parents are quite open-minded nowadays, as long as the children do not mess up stuff and create problems, sex before marriage is accepted.

Those who are for premarital sex believe that sexual chemistry is an important component of a relationship and argue that if you do not have sex, you will not know if you are sexually compatible.

However, sex before marriage changes your future in many ways. There are negative risks both spiritually and physically, as sex comes with a lot of complications that even an adult would find hard to handle, not to mention sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS.

In addition to the risk of contracting these terrible diseases or getting pregnant, premarital sex leads to emotional distress, distrust, regret and emptiness. That is because sex connects two people in body and spirit; it is impossible to separate the two that easily.

A question that someone asked me in my group that i have not been able to answer. Where do you put sex if by the age of 37 you have not found Mr or Miss right

Good luck with whatever decision you make. Be safe.

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