Sexually frustrated? There is a pathway to intimacy…

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Olubusola Ijaduola
Dr.Olubusola Ijaduola

From what the Bible says, life is all about relationships; particularly with God and with those we love. The same God placed the same relational impetus He has for us into the hearts of both men and women.

After God completed the rest of creation, and before sin, sickness, death, heartache, and pain entered the world, He looked around the Garden and realized something wasn’t good (Genesis 2:18).

Even though God walked with Adam in perfect harmony, He knew that it was not good for man to be alone. So He created a woman! That’s right, out of the rib of Adam He created a suitable helper, to come alongside and complement Adam—bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh.

God gave him Eve. God designed the two for the deepest of all intimacy – united as one flesh.

An intimacy bathed in beauty, innocence, and freedom. They were naked together and unashamed. Safe for each other!

Anything that has much potential for good has that much potential for hurt and pain as well. We are broken in relationship, but we’re also healed in relationship.

Love can live without intimacy, but that love won’t grow and deepen without the strength and glue that come from intimacy.

Intimacy brings in your knowing him – from his greatest strengths to his most feared weaknesses.

It’s also having your good, bad, and ugly being known by him – and him doing far more than merely tolerating you. It’s the two of you loving and embracing each other, in all encompassing way, not in spite of your weaknesses but because of them too.

Loving someone without really knowing why we do! There’s something about him that holds you, possesses you; your heart is drawn to him, and while other parts of you repelled, love has a way of short-circuiting your resistance.

No wonder we sometimes refer to being “in love” as being under a spell.

With romance alone, people enter in, and they exit out.

With marriage there is no easy or ready-made exit door from arena into which two people voluntary pledge, through remarkable promises, to join and devote their lives.

Here, two foreign souls interact, interrelate, and are expected to work things out through the turbulent waters of conflict and resolution, elements of intimacy that create unmatched closeness between two people.

Sometimes this room is a love nest. Sometimes it feels like a cage fight.

Intimacy is not a single, isolated act, like a memorable and romantic dinner or a pleasurable sexual experience in an attractive room. But those are just stages on which intimacy might unfold.

Intimacy isn’t an event; it’s what happens during these events. Two people actively pursuing the other person’s deepest being. It is speaking the language of the other person’s soul.

Becoming and staying engaged requires that you step outside of yourself and consider him/her just as supremely important and valuable as you are, even if his passivity drives you nuts.

In the end, the high point of intimacy is two souls risking vulnerability and weaving a life together that couldn’t be made without the congealing of wills. It mandates both humility and creativity and it doesn’t just happen.

It has to be cultivated for it to be produced. Intimacy is not for the proud and the timid; the reward goes to the humble and the brave!

I think one of the real enemies of a fulfilling marriage is fatigue.

The pace of life in our world today can only be classified as insane. When you are tired all the time, intimacy doesn’t happen.

Taking one night a week or once in every two weeks as your night out together will be a good idea that can help your relationship. If you’re too broke to get a babysitter for 2 to 3 hours, find another couple who is willing and trade kids so you can each have a date night.

From the smallest cells reaction to the most passionate emotional response, God has wired us for intimacy. God longs for you to encounter real intimacy to the depths of your being. You were made for connectedness, you will die without it. I am not talking about a physical death here but a life without intimacy spells emotional death and destruction.

Real intimacy refers to the fact intimacy is a multi-dimensional reality. It reaches beyond mere physical experience to the emotional and relational realms.

AQ distressed woman
AQ distressed woman

Like everything in life, our intimate relationships are subtle negotiation. They are a balance between passion and practicality, between getting and giving.

Making your relationship work means juggling your needs and wants with your partner’s.

There has to be a clear understanding of what each person is capable of giving to the other. By approaching life as a team, you make a pact that you will compromise along the way, while also reaping the benefits (or as they say in Nigerian political parlance, “reap the dividend”) of each other’s strengths. Men and women come to adulthood unfinished, and over the course of a marriage they change each other profoundly. The very act of living closely together for a long time brings about inner change, not just conscious accommodation.

As men and women in good marriages respond to their partners’ emotional and sexual needs and wishes, they grow and influence each other.

We enter marriage with much unfinished business and many past hurts. God desires the marriage relationship to be a place where those hurts are healed as biblical love is modeled.

It is this understanding that makes me ask the question, “what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” And trust me, you cannot be holy and not be happy.

That’s the way God wants us to live our happy life. I will answer the question in my next note!